Are you there, God? It's me, Jess.

This might be the hardest thing I've ever written. Up to this point in my life, I haven't had significant problems in any aspect, and I've always been thankful for that. The last few months have been extremely difficult in all aspects of my life and it's been a full-time job just getting through it. At this point I take every blessing I can get. Anything positive that comes my way feels like a miracle, and takes away a little bit of the pain and sadness in my heart. One of the things that's taken the biggest toll on me was a phone call I received a month ago.
I was sitting on my bed signing up for my schooling program, when my phone rang. I looked down and saw "Dr. Lo's Office" across the screen. Dr. Lo is my OB/GYN and I couldn't think of why she would be calling me. A week before I got this call, I went in for Baby Roper's anatomy scan. An anatomy scan is an ultrasound that checks and measures all of baby's bones, internal organs, body parts, and if you want them to tell you, you can find out the sex of the little love goblin growing inside of you! This ultrasound took a little over an hour and I found out that Baby Roper is definitely a boy! Luke Bryson Roper: his name was already decided.
So, my phone rings, I pick it up, and Dr. Lo starts talking to me. She doesn't beat around the bush. The first thing out of her mouth is, "Your baby has two cysts on his brain called Choroid Plexus Cysts. These cysts aren't harmful themselves, but they are an indicator of Trisomy 18. We didn't see any other markers for it but we'd like to get you a secondary ultrasound with a genetic specialist, because there's still a big possibility of the disorder occurring with him. From there, we'll schedule you with a genetic counselor to discuss the future of your baby's health and your options." Anything she said after that was a blur because I was still trying to process the information I just received. How could my baby, this little being I was growing inside me and that was already perfect to me, have cysts on his brain? What was Trisomy 18? Is he going to be okay?
I got off the phone and immediately broke down. I called my mom and could barely relay the message to her because I couldn't catch my voice or my breath from crying. We both looked up Trisomy 18 and it was so much more grim than we had imagined. Babies with Trisomy 18 usually do not survive to term, and if they somehow do survive to be born, they usually don't live for longer than a few months to a year. I was devastated. Was this what was going on inside him? Would I even get to meet him?
It felt like my world was crashing down around me. The positive thing was that they didn't see any of the other things that indicate Trisomy 18, but I couldn't find a bright side to this situation. Staying positive and hopeful in a situation like this is essential, but as a first time mom who was hundreds of miles away from home, there was nothing that could have stopped me from worrying and being heartbroken. The possibility that I would never get to look into his beautiful eyes, kiss his little button nose, and feel him against my skin was enough to send me into a deep depression. Every day was a struggle for me to get out of bed, put on a smile, and make sure everyone else was happy. I was dealing with this tearing me apart on the inside, while helping others deal with their problems.
Trying to hold everything together without letting anyone know how I was feeling on the inside was terrible. I've never claimed to be a strong person until now, but I know how strong you have to be to handle something of this magnitude.
Slowly, I started to notice I wasn't being myself. I was not the same happy, loving, bubbly person I have always been. I was this shell that would carry myself around and talk to people through an empty smile. I kept myself healthy because I wanted to do anything and everything possible to help keep Luke healthy. I stayed active, ate as much as my appetite would allow, and tried my hardest not to worry or stress myself out. As time went on, I started becoming more and more convinced that everything would be okay. Whatever God intended to happen would happen, and it would be for a reason. I had to trust that He was going to take care of me. Whatever He put in my way, He would help me get through. Things slowly got easier, but I was still hollow inside. I couldn't shake the depression, and to this day I still struggle with it.
Fast forward to Monday, January 5th, 2015. Yesterday. I went in for another ultrasound to check him out and see his progress. The ultrasound technician tried to get me some pictures, but Luke is already as stubborn as a mule and was facing down and away from the tech, in the perfect position to hide his face from us. Everything went smoothly and I was out of there in the blink of an eye. I got another phone call tonight from Dr. Lo's office, and once again I couldn't think of why they'd be calling me. Maybe they were going to tell me they got the images they needed and the ultrasound was okay? Bingo. I was informed they got the image of his lower spine that they needed, and everything looked good. What I wasn't expecting was what I was told next. I was told that Luke's cysts were completely gone, and that was a very, very good thing.
It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. I couldn't explain what I was feeling, but Luke could. He gave me some of the strongest somersaults he's ever pulled off, almost as if to say, "See mommy, I knew everything would be okay." I can't find the words to explain how I feel. Relieved? Doesn't feel strong enough. Happy? I couldn't tell you, to be honest.
Nothing compares to knowing that he's okay, and that he is just as perfect as I thought. All I can do is thank God for blessing me with a healthy baby, and thank Him for showing me my inner strength. If He had never brought me to, and through, this situation, I never would have found out how deep my love runs and how much strength I had hidden away in my soul. I pray every night that He continues to take care of Luke and guide me on the path that will bring me closer to Him.. the path that will bring me through this sadness and pain that I still have in my heart, and help heal me. My family and friends have always been so supportive and loving in every single possible way, and I am beyond thankful for them. I hope that someday soon I'm able to look back on this from a much happier and healthier place. At this point, I'm just taking it day by day, accepting and treasuring every blessing that comes into my life, and finding happiness in anything and everything that I can. How could I not find happiness in every kick, somersault, and hiccup that I feel not only in my ever-growing belly, but in my heart? I'm a very lucky and blessed human being and I am so grateful for that. We will get through this one day at a time, and one day I will be able to wake up and look back on this time as a lesson, with a genuine smile on my face and faith and happiness in my heart.